Crystal maze. To children of the nineties no more explanation is needed. Those two words are enough to send a thrill of excitement down their spines. For those for whom these words mean nothing I will dutifully explain.
Crystal maze was a game show based around the premise of completing quirky but challenging tasks to a strict time in order to win crystals. These crystals added up to time at the end of the game inside a giant crystal dome filled with fans and golden bits of paper. Grabbing a certain amount of golden paper equalled a prize. I no longer remember if this prize was cash, a washing machine or a holiday in France but to be honest that never seemed to matter anyway. What mattered was that you were on Crystal Maze and it was awesome. Oddly enough for a children’s show the contestants were adults, working as part of a team. At the time this never seemed odd to me but now I find it amazing that no one questioned it.
Today Crystal Maze has been off the air for many years (since 1995 the ever knowledgable Wikipedia informs me) and I had begun to think that no one but me really remembered it. That was until the announcement. I don’t remember it coming from the news, from TV or even the all-knowing internet, in fact I think the announcement was so awesome it travelled by word of mouth quicker than any press could print it. A crowdfunder had been started to build a brand new Crystal Maze! Not for TV but for anyone, a people’s Crystal Maze for all (willing to paid) to enjoy! Firstly; I have never been so excited about a crowdfunding project in my life. Secondly; I had the same idea years ago! If I’d acted on it I’d now be the maze master (and rich!) – this must be how the beatles ex-drummer feels (who apparently is very happy so not sure that works).
So now the question is what would you give to take part in one of your favourite childhood TV shows? A go on House of Fun anyone? Help sprinkle the glitter on Art Attack? Go travelling with the Wild Thornberrys? (OK technically not possible to become a cartoon but still you would if you could). So of course I signed up myself, my boyfriend, my siblings, their partners and my best friend to be a fearsome team of 8 in the Crystal Maze!
The maze works on the premise of four zones; Aztec, Future, Medieval and Industrial (side note: I couldn’t remember the fourth zone so I typed in ‘four zones of…’ into google and immediately Crystal Maze came up. Apparently no other four zones are as important). In each zone there are four games based on skill, intellect, physical prowess and a fourth mystery game. As leader of our team (every team selects a captain and a vice-captain to give orders) I got to select who entered each room before knowing what the task was, only having the hint of it being a physical game or otherwise. Once the door was opened the contestant stepped inside and was given 2 or 3 minutes to complete their task. Their team mates were allowed to watch from windows, shouting helpful and unhelpful instructions to make the task easier and often harder for them. If the task was completed on time the contestant left the room clutching that most precious of objects; a crystal! If they ran out of time or failed in the task the contestant was taken to ‘jail’ where a second task awaited them. If they failed at this too, the team was forced to buy them out with a crystal. Simple really.
We arrived at the entrance to Crystal Maze both nervous and excited. Excited to play, nervous about being the one who cost the team a crystal. The enterance to the maze was disappointingly like a reception desk at the dentist’s office (don’t ask me what I was expecting) but we were quickly ushered through to complete health and safety forms and dump our bags in lockers. Then we took up station around our team table where red bomber jackets were hanging temptingly for us to try on. These mimicked the contestants outfits in the game show but were only for posing in, not for wearing during play. To be fair they would have been way too hot.
Around us three other teams gathered. These teams would be completing the maze at the same time as us, but in a different order. We wouldn’t meet them again till the end. To book out a whole team I had had to book six months in advance and mid-week, which tells you how much everyone wants to relive their childhood.
Now the real Crystal Maze started. Together we were brought into a small room with a tiny TV to watch a few minutes of highlights from the old Crystal Maze. I think I could happily watch the reruns even all these years later. Then our own maze master appeared. Dressed in 90s clothing, with a pez dispenser in his dungarees pocket and his cap on backwards, Gordon Bennett (as he named himself) guided us with great character and comedy through our experience. On our first journey he took us to the Industrial zone.
To my delight each zone felt something akin to those shown on the TV series. The Industrial zone was dark, with a rusty metallic effect. The Aztec zone was bright, with golden fake-sandstone statues of ancient gods, plastic vines and ferns hanging above and a good thick floor of sand to making walking extra tricky. The future zone was decked out in spartan iPod chic, mysterious wires and lights abounding. And the medieval level had its stocks, chains and olde worlde touches. Even moving between zones was in the style of the old game, mostly done at a running pace, passing through tunnels and into time machines. As a soon to be 30-year-old woman it’s surprising how enjoyable running, jumping and playing pretend can be.
I won’t spoil the fun for those still to visit the maze by giving a full description of the games, however I will say they mimic the original game show perfectly. Each room held something new and exciting to get your head around, always a challenge to the person pushed into the room. From balancing acts to retrieve crystals just out of reach, to finding a hidden combination for a locked draw, to trying not to set off lasers with your skirt, it was all immensely enjoyable. A few of us ended up in the stocks (cough – might have been me) and a few crystals remained trapped in their rooms, but it didn’t really matter. The final thing was to enter the crystal dome.
It is surprisingly hard to catch bits of golden paper as they whizz through the air around you. I found myself looking something like a cat trying to catch a red dot. Our team lost, despite having plenty of crystals. Obviously we’re all bad cat impersonators. At the end we got to pose in our red jackets like a proper line of nerds. Yet it was an absolutely awesome experience.
In the end I maintain we never grow up. We just get better at pretending to be grown ups. Paying our bills, washing our socks, teaching our children to cross the road. Yet give us free reign of a ball pit or a trampoline or sometimes even just a really big box and we’re away. And with Brexit, Trump and climate change lurking on the adult side of life who can blame us. Afterall everyone needs a little fun!
A year of firsts 